


Blurred Memories

by ABladeOfIves



Category: penny dreadful - Fandom
Genre: Bullets, Demons, Depression, Guns, Letters, Love, Memories, Other, Strength, Suicidal!Vanessa Ives, Suicide
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-12-31
Updated: 2016-12-31
Packaged: 2018-09-13 13:48:07
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 571
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9126451
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ABladeOfIves/pseuds/ABladeOfIves
Summary: "Yes, life is cruel. It's cold and mean and unfair.But it be damned if it were to kill Vanessa Ives. Not today, not ever."*Vanessa Ives learns that she is stronger than her demons.*





	

**Author's Note:**

> WARNING:
> 
> Strong depictions of suicidal thoughts.

Unwashed clothes and porcelain plates filled up most of the walking space. Although her eyes were transfixed on the mess, she couldn't see it. She couldn't feel her torn up duvet underneath her, neither did she feel the cold air that blanketed her pale skin. She is lost in thought. Only a heavy weight in her right hand that lay open. The weight of a gun purchased a long time ago.

She knows that her friends care for her. She knows that they'll mourn, but it isn't enough. She was nothing. Without her feet on the ground, the Earth would still spin. The sun would not burn out. She was nothing.

A simple glimpse into what the future might hold, made her heart heavy. Her limbs would shake and she'd stare off into a close distance. Desperate to escape the consequence of living. Nobody understood. Nobody could help. So why not just place a bullet into her skull? It's so much easier, so much less painful.

And so, she wrote a letter. Just one letter. They'd get the point. She left a small thank you for each of them who cared for her, before explaining why. She told them about how the pain never ends. She told them that she cried and wretched too often. How her demons, inside and out, tormented her every moment that they saw fit. There was no escape.

"They've hunted me down, inside my head, for years", she wrote. "Every day I'm forced to fight against myself, against my my pain."

She stopped for a moment, as blurred pictures of her worst moments raced around the room. Mina, her mother, Lucifer, the asylum, Dracula. It never really stops. An endless loop of selfish mistakes resulting in dire consequences.  
Alas, a look into the past also brought good memories. The secret pick-nicks with Mina in the flourishing maze. Teaching Ethan to dance and how often he tripped over his own two feet, resulting in her laughter and scolding. Lunch with Victor Frankenstein. Her eyes burned. Life did have it's pretty moments, even she must admit that.

She hurt them all and she would do it again. It wasn't the devils fault, it was hers. That's who she was after all, Vanessa Ives Mother of Evil. It was hardwired into her. Every ugly wretched sin seeped into her soul since conception. 

There was only one time she felt any hope. A man named John Clare. A man with a striking resemblance to the only person who ever loved her. He told her,   
“No matter how far you have walked from God, he is still waiting ahead of you.”

She dwelled on that moment, replaying it in her mind a hundred times. Vivid memories of a floating heart, beating against her bones, filled her head.

She looked to the paper and re-read each word carefully, twiddling the quill between her fingers.

Another voice took over the back of her brain then.  
"You're stronger than this Vanessa."  
One she didn't often hear.  
"Don't let them beat you."

Was it an angel? Doubtful.   
Was it her stubborn nature? Most likely.  
Did it matter? No.

The point is, Miss Ives found herself in this position over and over, but she also found her way out of it. Yes, life is cruel. It's cold and mean and unfair. 

But it be damned if it were to kill Vanessa Ives. Not today, not ever.

**Author's Note:**

> Hi there!   
> I didn't spend *too* long on this one. I wrote in a couple of hours when I felt very down and it lifted my spirits. I'm hoping that it could possibly do the same for you.
> 
> I hope it's okay. Please leave kudos if you enjoyed it.   
> Have a wonderful day and remember that you are stronger than what your mind might tell you. :)


End file.
